Image source: dailymail & scoopnest
Yes, there's a punchline to this article, but you'll have to work for it. In the beginning, Donald Trump decided to run as a protest candidate for President of the United States. This was a widely and thoroughly lampooned idea. But a full year has passed since then, The Donald is now the Republican candidate, and everyone is pretty much exhausted. In fact, this would be a really good time for the prez nominees to take a break, get their bearings, recharge for the debates in September. But that raises a crucial question. Where do Presidential nominees vacation? It's astounding that prediction pundits haven't advanced a stance on this yet. What happens during these vacations might well become the clinching factor in the main election cycle.
So TripHobo's special travel correspondent sketched out an idea of candidate's potential globe-hopping itineraries.
Donald Trump's Itinerary:
Image source: flickr/gageskidmore
The Donald doesn't like to admit it, but a Great Wall already exists. And there is no way he's going to let the Chinese wall be greater than the Trump Wall. I mean, they already steal our jobs, now they want to steal our wall too? Where did they get that wall from anyway? You have to ask, what's going on? Current estimated costs of the Trump Wall are USD 25,000,000,000. Three more zeroes should do it. The Donald knows what he's doing. He's all about those zeroes. You'll be able to see those zeroes from space.
Can you imagine a transatlantic flirtation between Washington and Moscow every morning? There's already been so much coy sweet talk between the two. I mean, who ISN'T shipping Trumputin at this point. The way that portmanteau rolls off the tongue it was just meant to be. The fan-fiction community ought to be exploding any day now. Move over Camren, Hiddleswift. This is bigger than you.
3. Puerto Rico
They're disenfranchised, with an economy in ruin, and basically the last remaining colonial property on the planet. They think nothing else could possibly go wrong for them. Silly island. Trump will say to them, 'I know your problem. You don't have a Trump Resort. I can fix that problem'. Subcontractors and families will invest everything they have into his resort. It will be big. It will be shiny. It will have exactly one guest - Donald Trump. For one day, he'll enjoy a vacation. And then he will declare bankruptcy. He will pay no debts. He will leave, and the last of the island's economic soul will be sucked out. Dark, I know.
Trump won't know what to make of Modi. He will find out that Modi and him share certain shall we say, 'communal aversions'. Instant BFFs! Mutual follows on Twitter! Maybe Trump will give Modi a suit pinstriped with Trump's own name! They'll have a hilarious Cards Against Humanity Skype session with Putin. And at the end of vacation, Trump will hit up Te-A-Me. He's addicted to that green tea stuff now. He wants some more.
Believe it or not, Trump already has a well formulated plan to handle ISIS. He's going to land there, meet Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, and wave 'The Art of the Deal' in his face. 'You have a problem. And I'm going to make you a deal. Great deal. Best deal you've ever seen'. Al-Baghdadi will collapse in awe of the the sheer citrusy greatness in front of him and promptly declare the ISIS disbanded, Iraq a colony of the states, and Trump as Supreme Leader. Trump won't accept Iraq though. You can't build waterfront resorts there.
Still, there are places even The Donald won't do.
North Korea, for example, is out of the question; Kim Jong-un may be the only person in the world with a more well-developed personality cult than The Donald. To see that would break Trump. Nigeria is not a good idea either. Everyone there definitely has bigger hands than him, even the women, and he doesn't need to be made to feel emasculated right now. And going to Germany will only remind everyone his grandaddy fled the country to avoid the draft. Also, if Jon Oliver's lucky, he might really become Drumpf again.
Hillary Clinton's Itinerary:
Image source: flickr/gageskidmore
1. The Hamptons
You can bet your bottom dollar the first place Hillary will head to is her $50,000 Hampton vacation rental. It's an obsession. Back in 2011, she had an unexpected meeting to make about Libya in Paris, and basically planned on flying right back. This was for a meeting to provide support for the Libyan National Transitional Council. The future of the White House is clear. She's going to have it dismantled and reinstalled at the Hamptons.
2. The United Kingdom
Hillary hasn't really had a loud opinion on Brexit yet, but she and Theresa could probably get along we think? And as they're ambling along Hans Cres, sipping tea and nibbling cookies, Hillary is going to amble her way right into the Ecuadorian Embassy and be coloring Julian Assange's sunlight-deprived complexion faster than you can say 'Wikileaks'. She'll come out once Assange's promised to hack the RNC email servers this time in exchange for a Presidential pardon. Seriously, that's one box that needs to be ticked and squared away!
3. South America
Hillary's desperate to earn her socialist street cred back. Not that she ever had any. Still, she managed to tick off a lot of progressives. You know, those people who walked out on the DNC. And there's only one way to earn their respect. A motorcycle, raft, horse and bus road trip with Bernie Sanders through South America a-la Che Guevara. She could multi-task too. One speech worth $200,000 per stop, like the good ol' days. Who says you can't capitalise on being red, huh? Put THAT image on your T-Shirt, America.
There's no report on whether Hillary has seen the 'Stand With Me' music video featuring images of her in her roles as a mother, a daughter and a wife yet, but one thing is clear - you never, ever want to let someone else make a music video for you. If the tone isn't exactly right, the message can become parody. And that's what happened to Miguel Orozco's music video. Cringe! So much cringe! There's only one thing for it now: drag Orozco along, make like Taylor Swift, and hit up her record producer in Sweden. If Max can't save this song, no one can.
956,733 miles. That's nearly enough miles to circle the planet 40 times. It takes one year to fly that many miles. So that's basically how Hillary Clinton spent one year of her eight-year tenure as Secretary of State. Flying. I don't even have a joke here. The only laughter that number can command is a nervous, disbelieving one. In fact, if a Republican asked, at any given moment 'Where is Hillary?', the reply 'Up In The Air' would be accurate ⅛ of the time. How is this not an attack ad yet?
Of course, there are places Hillary too wouldn't want to get close to. Benghazi comes to mind. Because you know, dead people and email scandals. Also, bad taste. Ew. Unlike Trump, she'll want to stay away from Iraq. Even without ISIS, it's sort of common knowledge now that she voted to go to war against that country. And finally, if there is anywhere at all you're practically guaranteed to never catch Hillary at, it would be any of Trump's resorts, no matter where in the world they are.
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