Lived in NYC and used the metro regularly? Then you know the jungle ritual - the long ranting complaint about all the weird species you're cursed to endure. The canoodlers. The pole dancers. The personal space invader. Snoozers who missed their stop. The one who didn't get in proper gym time and needs to make up on the handrails. The person whose crotch is in your face. The attractive person everyone wants to hit on, yet won't, because everyone is crippled by the bystander effect. Everyone knows these guys. They're so common they're practically interior decoration now.
But this teeming natural habitat still has a rare species or two you may not be familiar with. Note the following down in your bestiary, and keep a lookout for them.
The Celebrity Incognito
This one is actually pretty cool. Sometimes, the creatures from our society's upper echelons decide to slum it in disguise. Could be for the thrills. Or they might want to feel normal for once. Avril Lavigne, Katie Holmes and Bradley Cooper have been spotted. Even rarer are in the vein of disguised performances a-la violinist Lindsey Stirling's blue-wigged performance of Halleluja. Literally no one recognised her.
The Balancing Act
Too cool for hand-rails or poles, these underreaching daredevils get their kicks from using only a wide foot-stance and directional leaning to brace against sudden starts and stops. And the laws of Newton always win in the end, sending body and pride crashing, lips pressed to a floor that's been tracked by several million dirty shoe-soles since the last scrubbing. Serves them right.
The Market Tester
This person is like the pole-dancer's neckbeard cousin. The won't just hug and grind the pole in inappropriate ways. They will straight up go full Olympic gymnast on that poor pole. It's not certain of this creature is looking for applause. For sure, they never, ever get any. Perhaps they're just making sure no one is booing them? Also, see that person leaning on the door? He's not leaning - the tester just knocked them out-cold with their swinging roundhouse kick.
The One Making An Entrance (Or Exit)
Common sense says: Let those inside get out before you get in. But this showboat can't bear to be thought of as common, least of all when it comes to being sensible. They will strike a Wonder Woman power-pose three centimeters from the opening doors. And they ALWAYS wait for the door to finish opening completely before moving. Commuters have the option of either waiting till the imaginary applause has died down, or (when justice actually prevails), simply bowling the offender aside under a sheer wave of human hurry.
There are man-spreaders, those who measure their self-worth by occupied seat space, imitating a human version of a puffer-fish in full puff. And then there are these guys. The won't just take up space on their seat. They'll make sure their backpack takes up the next two seats as well. Their legs do not spread wide - they spread outwards, like China drawing fake boundaries in the South China Sea. And they're just about as stubborn. Seriously, this guy will spend the whole ride with people hopping over his legs and not move them an inch.
They looked at you, made sure you saw them looking at you, saw the ocean of contempt in their eyes, and then looked away. You'll spend the rest of the ride trying to eyeball them to show you don't care, maybe throw cool smirk or two. But they won't let you. They will never soil their eyes with the sight of you again. Your one opportunity to impress them slipped away and it's never coming back. This is going to haunt your confidence for the rest of your entire life. There's only one way to make it a little less worse - do it to someone else.
The One Who Escaped The Men In Black HQ/ Breaking the Wizarding Statute of Secrecy
Words won't quite get the job done here. Maybe it's the way you're sure that guy eyeballing you curiously seemed to have a second set of vertical eyelids. Or the way that orange faced business man seems to be growing an entirely separate hairy animal on his head. If you spot one of these, contact Will Smith and/or Tommy Lee Jones. In some situation it may be better to contact the Magical Congress of the United States of America. While unlikely, it's more dangerous. In the 1930s, a wizard named Newt Scamander accidentally unleashed a suitcase full of monsters. Authorities are STILL missing one Niffler.
Everyone's told them how great and indispensable the experience is. They cannot WAIT for their first time. Giggling, they'll try to swipe in and completely miss the slot multiple times. Once through the narrow gates, they are harmless until getting onto the train. After that, it's all downhill. For one, the rhythm of starts and stops takes some getting use to. They'll rest their hands on all the wrong things. And then they experience all the things no one told them about - the noises, the looks, the smell. Because they have no sense of pacing, the doors will open, and they won't get out in time. Finally, utterly lost and in panic, they get off at the next station, but it is too late. And then the terrible truth will dawn - no one has a good first time.
Still, it's only 2016. The future isn't even here yet. Can you even wait to see Virtual Reality junkies chasing Pokemon go around people's legs, or eye-balling the cute Martian only they can see? Are we going to hate the people who swap out their neural-implants in public? Who knows. Becoming offended can only be easier as technology advancements make it easier for people to become stranger things than Netflix can manage.